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July 02 Takes your breath away, doesn't it. While I live in a climate more hospitable to the confines of my health 's design; I yet know that such Beauty exists and may be experienced first hand -- right here in the USA -- I truly long to have that experience more kinesthetically. Thanks all for the pictures, with the summer now upon us (we in Southern Calif., cannot deny that the moods of the desert are sometimes more a test of our physical body, our mental thinking and/or our emotional roller coaster of shifts, DAILY! That pleasure is the true wealth of value, of consistency -- of all that I am, all I am able to give and all that I may receive). SO. Do what feels good. Life is not known to be a forever status, whether that be Prosperity, compatibility with those we long to be with growing deeper as we grow older. RELAX. Whether it's making more lemonade, showing your children and exposing their sense of delightful discovery with what you know to share with them; and, what is NEW for all members of your tribe...-- these are the really true highlights for you all. We are ever seeking, ever searching...for that which is referred to as "the awakening of our Inner Perception," "coming to unveil the hidden" ------ wealth of gifts that WE ALL HAVE and nourish your Gift for the betterment of, not only YOUR LIFE, but like a ricocheting bullet, bursting with awe; finding someway to rebirth your own life everyday.
Let us all dwell on that which is positive, that which requires a leap of Faith, that which we discovered with our Imagination. Pictures lost in boxes or baskets, dusty albums stored on a shelf just outside our reach -- all the while certain that our essence is continually affirmed to that which is our perfected Healing Mind; and, having found our magical Rainbow hovering over our cascading Pilgrimage -- we begin again...to turn the pages of our LIFE BOOK. Sharing with others, we are able, at last, to smile and laugh, to grieve over mistakes, to forgive ourselves and surrender the death of the Past. We are here Now, tomorrow is a Hope we are striving to breathe life into. (often one of those that create more validity to the status and stains of our what remains) Grab the Love of your Life, where release may be found; savor the flavor, hear the sounds, and sense the promised relief that would one day, step out of out of the game of "Hide and Seek" ...and find the Healing, delivered by the touch carried in his white willowy garment to ultimately know the Love you carry inside you and can know its sweetness never again to be denied you. Disguises are the undeniable best of characters met on our way to the Vision Quests of our Everyday. Be careful of whom you judge -- it might just be you as you make your way through an orange scented garden drifting on a sand island somewhere above and lingering...waiting for us to let go and join the peace and complex happiness (we seem to fight as we analyze) of the plight of any moment, the disappearing fragility of a single heartbeat, the nexus of the always relied upon breath. We just expect. It's not going away from us -- maybe from some dissipating shadows but never from us. We are mortal from the beginning to the end and whose to say what is going to step in and draw oxygen from the flame that within us has always been; or, silent the missed thoughtful part -- so quiet and tender our drum churning heart. Taken by the storms of our today, there is still a courtyard, calm, cool, flush with greenery, and all kinds of birds find a spirit of rebirth on their way. Waters stream over welcoming stones, and we are, for all our losses, at last...at long, long last...there is home. ~rumorsofme~
Quote Fall Foliage In Bloomington IL
Pat had said that she wanted to see some of foliage I mentioned in one of my postings. So, this is for you, Pat. I am sure it doesn't compare to what folks up in the W. VA mountains see, but these pictures are typical of the street scenes all around Bloomington-Normal. Talk about a great place to live! I read about ideal cities for Late Lifers and most of them are in warm weather states. What they can't give one is the seasons.
Also, I have loaded up a photo of our condo. We are on the third floor and look down over a small lake. June 28
LIFE is for many a race. If you think that could be applied to the way you perceive LIFE, I wonder if you have the mind, the focus, the dedication it takes for any type you may think you are. In fact, I think we all are chasing after something. However, I would have to say of my own life that I've lived the life of a "sprinter" while in truth I am of the "long distance" brand; and, that does not bode well.
To pull out the real strength, patience, clear eyed vision of the long distance runner requires a whole different training regime, than that of the sprinter; and, all of it significantly cased. When you find yourself sputtering like a car out of gas, ask yourself what is needed to make it to your destination. We all have at our core, a seed that will one day bloom -- some blooms happen only once in every hundred years. There's a plethora of other seeds, plants that open their secrets soon after planting, not needing the care of a fragile orchid, the time consuming continual checking to see that all is well within its confines. Changing the care on either will bring about the failure of the plant to become what was intended from that well planted seed.
Know yourself, know what YOU are and what you need and want from this life to run your race to the perfected winning stage expected when your seed was planted. Knowing when you've gone too far or not far enough is imperative and this is done by viewing the differing vital forces as they reach each plateau, shed that stage and go on to the next. Of all the opportunities you have in life, the one most capable of creating a successful, healthy, prosperous, happy you is the one you are looking for all along the way. Sad, so sad to come to the end of that seed's journey never knowing the beauty, remarkable, vivid range that it has come through to BE as it was meant to be. The unnecessary waste of a one of a kind blooming. The Journey -- your Journey -- will one day also come, perhaps suddenly, unexpectedly, or perhaps your body will not want to let go and begin another Journey (none of us knows where that will be found or where it will take us); and, knowing that, begin by knowing who you are and not letting anyone or anything stand in your way to reach the vital promise that was hidden until (according to its nature) the break from ordinary tore away the shell protecting the truly indescribable beauty, scent or bulb, leaf or tree of all that was meant to be.
Do not let yourself be misled because you were confused and conflicted as to who or what you have to give in this LIFE. Who are you? The long distance runner or the sprinter? Both are magnificent and win many accolades. The long distance runner has to wait and watch the glory showered on the sprinter, the prizes, the compliments; and, know that year after year, as long as is necessary, this runner will do the necessary -- deny themselves, raise their energies slowly and hold back the desire to go all out and boast...they may not have won the deeply desired, but be lonely satisfied with their second place status--all through their lives. There is a life to be lived, fulfilled and precious as you wait at the gate --- like that thoroughbred horse. That horse knows what it is here to do and they will even give their life -- if necessary -- in the forging of its fate: Born to Win. That is the horse I always ride.
~rumorsofme~
June 27
"The LIFE I live is the life I FEEL."
"I am a person of feeling and now, instead of pushing back and trying to seal myself away from wherever
my Journey played, I have surrendered to the unseen graces -- all defenses and confining traces -- I give up
the disguised faces and join with the wealth of loving and being loved. I affirm the intense infusing Light and
the warmth that can keep us balanced, serene and free. Such is the sweetness we all deserve, need and soon all darkness
is overcome and we are left drifting easily with the moon and the stars, or turning more to the Sunny side --- with increasing release...all anxious commodities set for the deep."
~rumorsofme~
..thoughts I found along the way...
"To die is an awfully big adventure."
"All men die, not all men live."
"All our tomorrows are strung like pearls around the multitude Suns we are moving around.
We wonder and regret, struggle forward, then lie in neglect of the present possibilities
forever waiting to be found."
"Are we afraid to find what pulls us onward?
Fearsome disappointment drives the blade deep.
Is it the rejection of the many, or the coarse reflection
of the ONE upon whom rests the totality we have
been taught to believe
Will rescue us from our boring, glib, senseless emptiness?
That in truth there is no magic, no miracles and
Not nearly enough broken Souls
That thread their way everyday,
Awakening us to all the muddled questions
Of how high we can go, is there any difference below?
We come and go and never look inside
For the answers frighteningly foretold.
And why would a loving parent scare a child
With visions of witches and vampires
Man made garish metals shine,
And we are put to wonder, is it Art,
or a hard day's labor soldering beams
(that will never be seen)?
A simple label scratched on the back
of a check, or notepad is
Found some long and uncaring
Out of time, out of place, out of wondering
How we came to be, will Thus always be our
Stamped upon, mind numbing faring.
Having reached our passing destination,
We rise to stone eyes and Botoxed facials ;
and find we may yet wonder what lies
beneath sensuous lips that never feel
The desire to let go all things rational
And be swept far and away on a sea
Laying in wait for the rebirth
Of the continuity of our Faith,
Hope and Love.
Never relent to the small treacheries of
little hours, that only have the power
We possess to give them access
To our Imagination, the Visions that trip over the stars,
The vital element we strive to cut out, or go around
That is the spark that needs to be believed.
Therein are we, in this moment...
Remembering some distant past melody
To which we may unfurl the sails,
and know the freedom that is only
waiting upon us to define...
What is our time? Why do we ask others
for permission that our Spirit seeks?
Make your Way as you must,
Just be mindful that the Life you live
Will touch memories of you, in distances long ago bent.
Frozen out, stirred by winds and animals;
And your Grace to walk out.
Scary yes, only
limb on a tree, where the sweetest fruit
abide on a flicker of a limb --- I
know the me that lives within and
I constantly urge the Self on higher --
Beyond the shelter of the known
(even though that known is shredding your
Spiritedness apart).
Engage another in an act of generosity,
an unmeasured tenure of calm,
contentment, ever intended to secure
the hands older now and a little shaky...still
feel and carry that spark of Eternity
as it did when we first met.
More than anything I wish humankind to
Rise above the petty tagged Brands,
Flush with multiple houses and cars,
Swimming pools, when one is not on
the coast of one side or the other.
And lighter laughter carries the load
Of some day, and soon is gone away
To melt with the night swinging a sad song
On another crooked, too tightly pressed road.
Perhaps we are not capable of being happy?
I've searched for many years of a short life.
To find some other one I can lay my lost search
Upon...but then, how will they know what
It is that will shake the Milky Way,
leaving cream and chocolate spilling over
There's not near enough time for me to instruct.
I am relying on the depth of my commitment,
the toll of my penance to be paid
as we walk outside and breathe in the
Sweet air, scented with gardenias and honeysuckle bushes...
Why! they've always been there!
Where, oh where, was I ?
Let the joint burn up the edgy, ugly
Dreams of those other lives.
Let me linger with my guitar man,
Whose lips (when they are not hot on mine)
Singing stories of gentle lives who hoped
and tried to reveal each one to themselves,
The ultimate Nature of us all.
Saddened glory waits to write many stories.
Can we not just hold onto one another,
Smudge the smoke ridden eyes
merging with wet eyes?
A warming fire begins to lay itself
Upon our imagined High;
Not quite ready to cash out --
Perhaps there is yet one more dance
Across this barn floor; and
perhaps when my eyes slowly lift themselves up
There will be a stranger all familiar with
my little dreamy time songs............maybe...
no more than maybe, baby....
~rumorsofme~
May 28
Is Love Primal?
What psychics see in everyone
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<a href='http://www.californiapsychics.com'>California
Psychics</a><br><br>We asked our psychic team what
each has learned about love and life as a result of their career as
psychics. They deluged us with answers. The most stunning insight was a
universal understanding that we all want and need the same things in
life, no matter what our life circumstances are.
<br><br>Love is at the top of that list. Our readers also
see trends in consciousness in our changing times. Not only are there
the obvious worries about survival, which are making the news each day,
but our psychics also see that more and more people seem to be involved
in, or interested in pursuing, a more spiritual life. Read on for more
insight...<br><br>
<p>"It doesn't matter who you are or what your basic beliefs may
be, it's a very eclectic group of people who call for readings, seeking
answers to how they can live in a more fulfilling way," reveals
<b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/5114/Lemuria.aspx">Lemuria
ext. 5114</a></b>. "I used to think that the majority of
those people were drawn to the metaphysical and very open to their
spirituality. But as the years have gone by I have seen that nothing
could be further from the truth. I have given readings to people who
practice the most conservative of religions, atheists, doctors, lawyer,
scientists… looking for answers and perspective."</p>
<p></p>
<p>Life experiences are very much the same for every one, our
psychics say. "After you listen to the same questions over and over
again, you begin to recognize the common thread that runs through all
of us and how alike we are really at the core," <b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/9549/Rose+Mary.aspx">Rose
Mary ext. 9549</a></b> understands. </p>
<p></p>
<p>"Whether you are rich and famous, struggling with money, no
matter what country you are in or from, we all want to love and be
loved… and find some sort of peace in life," <b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/5119/Stephanie.aspx">Stephanie
ext. 5119</a></b> points out. </p>
<p></p>
<p>"All humans have a need for connectedness and love. Men and
women call and obsess about love and romance - and no one is ever too
old to want it," <b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/9775/Ariel.aspx">Ariel
ext. 9775</a></b> points out. </p>
<p></p>
<p>"Until I became a professional psychic I used to think that
people were looking for success in life, however I have talked to
thousands of people and 99% inquire about love," <b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/5170/Josepha.aspx">Josepha
ext. 5170</a></b> reports.</p>
<p>"I had a great epiphany while working on the lines… about why
love is so important to us. I think my thoughts were summed up best in
the movie <i>Practical Magic</i> when Sandra Bullock's
character talks about finding the right person and says, 'I just want
to be seen…' It's not that she wants someone to see her great hair or
face, she wants someone to see her very soul and to validate and
cherish her energy. That is what we all really want, someone to
<i>see </i>us and when they do, still love us and cherish
us anyway." <b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/5145/Tisha.aspx">Tisha
ext. 5145</a></b> describes.</p>
<p>Love and loss are another common denominator in this world.
Our psychics tell us that it doesn't matter what your financial status
is, or who you are. People find the strength and the need to have lost
in love and go on. "I have clients in the entertainment industry, and
even though the world knows their name they still want to talk about
the same thing as the White House staff member or the single mom,
whispering because she doesn't want to wake the kids. They all want
hope about love," <b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/5102/Rondalafay.aspx">Rondalafay
ext. 5102</a></b> tells. "They want to know that there is
something bigger and lasting for them in their future." </p>
<p></p>
<p>"My clients understand that we all have the power to be in
heaven or hell in the right here and now, but often they're not sure
how to make the shift," <b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/9055/Aylan.aspx">Aylan
ext. 9055</a></b> suggests. "And I have seen my callers get
through the toughest times in love and loss with understanding and
forgiveness - rather than bitterness and anger. Letting go of fear and
living in balance with your higher self helps us attract people and
situations of like consciousness - it allows you to bring better
relationships into your life." </p>
<p></p>
<p>Taking a more spiritual path in love involves hope, resilience
and the willingness to grow and move on. "I speak with people every day
who have loved and lost and been badly hurt and yet they are still
willing to open their hearts and love again," tells <b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/9777/Dawn.aspx">Dawn
ext. 9777</a></b>. "Hearing this over and over has opened
my own eyes and heart," she discloses.</p>
<p></p>
<p>Our psychics believe that their ability to look into the
hearts of their callers and see the good and the bad… is the ultimate
education in life. "It can be shocking to see inside someone's heart.
It becomes more difficult to judge people in a harsh or unyielding
way," <b><a
href="http://www.californiapsychics.com/psychics/9027/Jesse.aspx">Jesse
ext. 9027</a></b> discloses. "Fortunately you can see how
the vast majority of people are really wonderful and simply yearn to be
loved. The knowledge I've gained as a psychic has confirmed what I
always believed - that deep in our hearts, whether we are straight,
gay, married or single, we all want love and reassurance and the
guidance to find it." </p>
<div style="PADDING-RIGHT: 4px; BORDER-TOP: #c9d9d9 1px dotted;
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<span style="FONT-SIZE: 16px; COLOR:
#d33d26">1.800.573.4830</span> or <a
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We asked our psychic team what each has learned
about love and life as a result of their career as psychics. They
deluged us with answers. The most stunning insight was a universal
understanding that we all want and need the same things in life, no
matter what our life circumstances are. Love
is at the top of that list. Our readers also see trends in
consciousness in our changing times. Not only are there the obvious
worries about survival, which are making the news each day, but our
psychics also see that more and more people seem to be involved in, or
interested in pursuing, a more spiritual life. Read on for more
insight...
"It doesn't matter who you are or what your basic beliefs may be,
it's a very eclectic group of people who call for readings, seeking
answers to how they can live in a more fulfilling way," reveals Lemuria ext. 5114.
"I used to think that the majority of those people were drawn to the
metaphysical and very open to their spirituality. But as the years have
gone by I have seen that nothing could be further from the truth. I
have given readings to people who practice the most conservative of
religions, atheists, doctors, lawyer, scientists… looking for answers
and perspective."
Life experiences are very much the same for every one, our psychics
say. "After you listen to the same questions over and over again, you
begin to recognize the common thread that runs through all of us and
how alike we are really at the core," Rose Mary ext. 9549 understands.
"Whether you are rich and famous, struggling with money, no matter
what country you are in or from, we all want to love and be loved… and
find some sort of peace in life," Stephanie ext. 5119 points out.
"All humans have a need for connectedness and love. Men and women
call and obsess about love and romance - and no one is ever too old to
want it," Ariel ext. 9775 points out.
"Until I became a professional psychic I used to think that people
were looking for success in life, however I have talked to thousands of
people and 99% inquire about love," Josepha ext. 5170 reports.
"I had a great epiphany while working on the lines… about why love
is so important to us. I think my thoughts were summed up best in the
movie Practical Magic when Sandra Bullock's character talks
about finding the right person and says, 'I just want to be seen…' It's
not that she wants someone to see her great hair or face, she wants
someone to see her very soul and to validate and cherish her energy.
That is what we all really want, someone to see us and when they do, still love us and cherish us anyway." Tisha ext. 5145 describes.
Love and loss are another common denominator in this world. Our
psychics tell us that it doesn't matter what your financial status is,
or who you are. People find the strength and the need to have lost in
love and go on. "I have clients in the entertainment industry, and even
though the world knows their name they still want to talk about the
same thing as the White House staff member or the single mom,
whispering because she doesn't want to wake the kids. They all want
hope about love," Rondalafay ext. 5102 tells. "They want to know that there is something bigger and lasting for them in their future."
"My clients understand that we all have the power to be in heaven or
hell in the right here and now, but often they're not sure how to make
the shift," Aylan ext. 9055
suggests. "And I have seen my callers get through the toughest times in
love and loss with understanding and forgiveness - rather than
bitterness and anger. Letting go of fear and living in balance with
your higher self helps us attract people and situations of like
consciousness - it allows you to bring better relationships into your
life."
Taking a more spiritual path in love involves hope, resilience and
the willingness to grow and move on. "I speak with people every day who
have loved and lost and been badly hurt and yet they are still willing
to open their hearts and love again," tells Dawn ext. 9777. "Hearing this over and over has opened my own eyes and heart," she discloses.
Our psychics believe that their ability to look into the hearts of
their callers and see the good and the bad… is the ultimate education
in life. "It can be shocking to see inside someone's heart. It becomes
more difficult to judge people in a harsh or unyielding way," Jesse ext. 9027
discloses. "Fortunately you can see how the vast majority of people are
really wonderful and simply yearn to be loved. The knowledge I've
gained as a psychic has confirmed what I always believed - that deep in
our hearts, whether we are straight, gay, married or single, we all
want love and reassurance and the guidance to find it."
Have you found the love of your life yet?* *taken from CALIFORNIA PSYCHICS "WC Horoscopes" <scopes@californiapsychicsemail.com>"WC Horoscopes" <scopes@californiapsychicsemail.com>
I did not know how to proceed anymore. I had kept moving to stay alive, until there was no where else on the rim to go. And how much longer could I keep up this pace, wasn't it just another bit of that old tune...how did it go. The melody had slipped into some long ago but a phrase or two I could still remember, something along the lines of what to do and when to do it. Pretty much there were no ones left for me to call, no more love letters in the mail to look forward to each day (it was like Christmas everyday! Since we lived in a small town and people knew one another -- and we had a brand new Post Office --- run by a fine man who didn't mind at all to see if he could find tomorrow's letter, today.) Then, of course, I wouldn't get tomorrow's letter tomorrow, I'd get it today; but I was so senseless with love, a hunger I didn't understand and it all fell upon one man, who happen to be very good at writing me daily. I'll never forget when we finally became so seized with trying to live in a world we weren't prepared to, and all came tumbling down (rather like poor old Humpty Dumpty...couldn't put him back together again and we couldn't put us back together again either.) And now there were three more precious lives now to look to me -- I, who had counted the days and nights until we were one bloom of love, all organized as happy as the bees in the countryside, walking to the garden to pick our REAL tasting tomatoes, onions, okra...it was a feast we had. (if only we had communicated with each other, but he didn't know how and I didn't know how and I should have been the one who took that cue -- you know the one you promise in the vows of "I DO." I should have seen he needed help too; but I was so busy with children needing that neither he nor I ever got fed. Our thirst for free air, to live as raw as we chose, out in that far country place, we both were drilled with responsibility (I know we were the Prince and Princess of that throne, but the party was long over and we had to go home...not a house, a home -- something neither one of us understood clearly or deeply.
So, the ugly words of attorneys and judges, lies and more lies, tragedy after tragedy always at our heels; but we were young and wasn't that how it was when you were young? You just took it and laid it on the rest of the burden breaking your back. Certainly I was not going to cry "help" and he didn't know how. But the fire crystallized -- even with all the soot and water we tried to slosh through to try and find some clothing but they all smelled of smoke. What the flames didn't get to, the water and soot did. The house was repaired; but in between while we lived with my mother, I believe he saw this as a move to get a move on, and he did, with her.
Of course I didn't know how to do anything but what my secretarial class had taught, and I'd already been a dental assistant -- jack of all trades, master of none, all I could allow myself to look at was the amount on the check. Would it cover another week's grocery needs (three young boys will eat all you have to feed and somehow I always felt they went to bed just a bit hungry yet. MY GOD! Was there ever born a worse mother?) To this day I cannot rest knowing I could have done so much better, smarter, sharper. And my health soon began making noises, crushing, agonizing pain that time of the month. I mean I missed their whole childhood. That goes on today and that is why the world is slipping through our fingers like the sand on a Florida beach --- all lavender and pink in the day's setting sun.
I've forgotten what I started to say now. It was something about the letters. I made such a ceremony out of burning them -- all neatly wrapped in purple ribbon, set in a special box in my closet -- and I BURNED THEM! Now, I have no way to show my sons that something very bad happened to their father. If only they could read those letters and know the man (or should I say the boy?).
But I was going to smoke him out (after my high drama overdose and the hospital scene, my poor body -- my poor Spirit). I heard one of the nurses say as they wheeled me out of the ER to a bed, "What a pity, she is so pretty." I never believed that . Not then. Not now for sure as the advancing age of defeat and more stolen youthful shapes that no amount of make-up or pretty dresses...no not even jeans would make me be that young girl of l8, and all she missed and can never get back. We are always at war, if not with another nation, another group of idiots playing Russian roulette, then most certainly with ourselves. The selves that are never perfect enough. Of course, I came in at a time when for a pocket full dimes I could remake the outside and delude my vanity that I had done a good thing. Nevertheless I would know. And besides all that, I now being fat (that was a full assault I slammed my body with food -- all the wrong things, so no one would have any thoughts about me other than grandma to some great and wonderful grandchildren. But they grow up, like your own children did and never will I be able to change the scenario of my health's schemes.)
Actually, I learned later that my having burned the letters was actually a good "gestalt-type" thing to do. My mind always full and busy. Always looking out for that job that was going to finally pay enough for us to live on more fully. And I became about money.
Until I learned how sweet and soothing was another being near and holding me nearer still...though not quiet still enough to make the drums beating in my head cease. I filled every hour, every minute with some schedule in it. If there was a calendar day left open then something was wrong! I wasn't doing enough. Take more classes at night. A nourishing meal was on the table to fill up their tummies. (maybe the fires of cremation will burn my mistakes as they consume my body; as I never will forget their damnation
and the toll it took on my Soul.)
I don't know why I wrote any of this but I guess it was for me. Isn't that why people do these things.....hoping in the by that there will be some remembrance of love and passion. Those sweet scores of music yet play inside my head by day, and churn my grief and regret by night. People talk about the LIGHT that comes when you cross over. Frankly I have no belief in any of that. The mind goes on somewhere -- this and nothing beyond keep me holding on.
Now I am tired. Damn blood pressure was creeping up the walls of my arteries. Like I needed this? When I had my whole summer planned. What is the point. I wish I had a joint.
~rumors~
May 25
"What did he do?" my grandson asked.
"What did he do that they did this to him?" With genuine concern and bewilderment rising in his voice. I began to wonder just how much longer would I survive my ten year old grandson's acutely sensitized mind and emotions.
I looked down at a copy of TIME magazine. It was around Easter. There was a full page picture of Christ on the cross. This young boy's eyes held tight with mine as we moved up in the store line. Somehow grandmas are always expected to have all the answers to life's most puzzling questions...really unanswerable questions. Obviously, I didn't know the way to explain this in five minutes as we exited the market. Yet I did try to give some rational thinking to the roar that such a painting raised. Honestly I felt so inept. At his age, before I got through half-way of this saga, he's going to have lapsed back into some other thought process, so I did the best I could. Later as we went over the map of the world (I'm rather insistent on the youth of these times knowing what and where countries are -- didn't we get Geography in school? I know I did. My God, we are raising a whole generation of illiterate people who cannot think for themselves (because they've got someone else -- or the computer -- to do it for them). There doesn't seem to be any up and coming younger generation full of ambition and an earnest and eager generosity of spirit to make this world a better place.
I usually give him a place to find on the map once a week yet am never surprised that he hasn't been moved to find it. So, WE find it. This time I tied in Italy (my beautiful, loving, romantic story tale of a place to dwell) with the crushing picture of Christ on the cross and that this was the place where many bad things had happened -- still do. There's nothing more satisfying than knowing you have raised questions in the mind of a young child who truly wants to know, to do, to be. At least I can say that for me. (probably should have been a teacher--well, you never stop learning in this life (I told him) and you never stop teaching either. The old are here to mentor and inspire the young and the young are here to inspire and be inspiring. We are all alike. Thoughts are things and I tell myself to think WELL of this world -- even for the most hungry, displaced, stony faced of humanity, trapped within the walls of some unknown escape.
I tell myself that as long as I am moving, reaching out, yearning for the lives of all human beings (the animal kingdom too) to be uplifted, enhanced and pruned of treacherous thoughts, then I am part of a community of loving, nurturing, devoted followers of a higher way. The poets, artists, philosophers, sculpturers, ministers, music makers have always suffered so because they knew that the world could be ever better than it is. We haven't gotten very far in the (how many?)millions of years that we've been able to trace humanoids existence to. (and now and then are struck speechless with a newly discovered "link" -- maybe the "missing link?" So much work to be done and we (me) are more often than not, late on the trigger to put that zeal into motion (after the youth of our commotion).
The lesson ever remains; BE HERE NOW. Accordingly I strive to be.
~rumorsofme~
May 10
"What hurts the most?
He sat alone on the bed of sea rocks, locked within himself, his torn Soul perhaps the steel that wove the chain that kept us apart. Never able to be together, yet never destined to be freed from the night terrors that secured the lock that time and time again -- when did it begin? -- found us washed upon this desolate wet beach, deserted except for the sound of our breathing, and other signs of life broke the stillness and reminded us this was just another passover. Over the demons of aloneness, the cranes of neck held in check, the wonder of it all -- counted in some atmosphere where ageless, familiar faces never looked up. Never acknowledged our beings were out of place.
We ached to touch one another, feel flesh, comfort and cradle until some accountant determined when, where, how much of this do we get to spend? The world was full of people - I know I will never understand. (No longer cared to) I caught myself holding breath as if it was rationed. Wrapping my arms around my waist, soundless and troubled I began to feel very tired. Life was all about me down there; but, what kind of life was it? I seemed unable to resurrect my Self yet another and one more time, I broke through the death-like Dragon clutches that had begun to shred my robe.
I rose to gather my skin and pull it over my head, to set out again to pretend. What were we doing here? Nothing made sense anymore. To come into some space that is overcrowded, entrenched with poverty, hunger (for food, for knowledge, for safety, for touch, for somebody to just care, damn it! ) We all get busy laying down on some ground, a mountaintop, beach, urban city or country sprawl (though that too is narrowing). All hoping we're going to meet someone who has the answers, the stamina, the vision to take the leadership that even now was raising bubble-like clusters upon the ships and crafts in the bay. (I saw all those horses on tv last Sunday night and almost cried. As much as I've wanted a horse but could never have one, now here all these, over a hundred thousand, just turned out to have the dust and lack of water take over ownership of the carcass, shared savagely with the vultures. How mean is LIFE. How mean one cruel spirited man could be to bird fallen unheard, confused and scared, who would do such a thing? I strive to find the best in all my ways, to shake it off for another day, another's play. Yet here, saddled by the
blue of day, the moon by night, I could have had one of those wild horses. Didn't they need just those things that we human beings need as well? The only thing I got from that was how caged I am...I wonder if I bottled the rage in a cage and sold it to the marketeers, would I become as all others have become? Riding in their private jets , full of vodka and women, arriving in major cities all over the globe to ensure their talk will last as long as their walk. Handsome young sexy men held onto by a much younger version of life and beauty; and, all he was could not reverse the trails of loving and touching that once prevailed -- through him and onto other frail and needing hearts to fill.
You see how easily the mind crafts your reality? The breeze was beginning to get a good throw, turn me out, with no compass or scope, I was left as usual to grope and cope. When the desert sands are disturbed and hope is a never used word, when the smells and sights of a chicken having met his end, feathers flying while a young Chinese man is almost so mad he's about to cry, hollers and curses the days of his life and does so with no accord for the market place that is rendered a mess - toppled chairs, overturned tables, women screaming as they don't know the culprit of the rush and mayhem that has fallen all about them. You can get just about anything you want in such a world's market -- some most likely you would not want to see, or even know about; and, I wonder how can human beings live with such hypocrisy sticking in their mouth.
"No! No!, we did not torture!" the short man with little hair left on his head, clad in the finest of woven threads spoke mostly in a calm and reasoned pace -- like we here in America do. Who do you suppose learned what from whom? It's all needless now, too many have suffered. How can there be Justice; and, here I'll let this one ride on the roulette wheel of a passing carnival. Black, 3.
That was as usual not my luck -- actually I don't think they began to inject some of the "luck" into newborns until the l960's. I try to stay away from all games of chance (and yes, LOVE is just such a chance...the highest, most wealthy, shift into a new bubble of eternity as nothing else has been spread before the offering of a constant, continually, dripping poison that will burn up your brain and your passions will turn in on you and there will be nothing left to do.)
But, why think of that now. WHY? Because when I leave, I'm leaving the loves of my life and the time is getting closer. Written in the wet sands a nomad had come through and I asked my friend could he tell me what it meant. He turned to face me fully in the depths of my eyes and I knew then that I would be incapable of lasting through all the tears.
"What is it that you want to have happen?" he asked.
Suddenly, I realized the winds were growing stronger and I had stayed much longer dwelling on things I had no control over, nor did I want control over it. Let it come as it may. Just leave the window open, the door unlatched. Or none of that. For LOVE when IT finds you are ready, has all the powers of above and below. And how do I think I know this? I need not explain myself to to anyone else, at anytime or place. I am quietly a distilled waiting seated on a yellow window sill.
Yet, the more distance is gathered and the momentum turns us inside out, I, too, party like the generation ahead of me, always in some doubt of what or who I am to be.
~rumorsofme~
May 04
"This is our relaxing day," my grandson revealed to me as my Sunday afternoon call found them all into their thing.
The day went well. The geico got his tank cleaned, the crickets got fed. There was some basketball and baseball (I might even be doing a teeny bit better on the trigger of that letter!) In most all ways, I came home convinced that things were ok - I wasn't but they seem to be there. No doubt this (or any) sense of disruption is all made by me and I've plenty left over if anyone needs something to worry over. How did that get to be that way? And, why did I get such a strong dose of it today. Actually, the day had a feeling that was more lethargic -- even my grandson usually all the more on the run, was a bit tired and didn't quite seem himself. However the drs. say it is growing pains. And he had a most busy week-end with the baseball tournaments starting soon. I'd love to see them go all the way...yet know the wealth spun by "three strikes, out!", a slide into home base with the umpire calling a halt to any movement until he could peel away boy after boy to get to the one who still had the baseball in his hand == that was rather a great big deal to me. One young first baseman appeared to have a heavily crash into two others and was hurt by it. We were told it might be a broken wrist. Oh, I hope NO. They have worked so hard to get this far, you want them to feel the connection they have with one another to go the distance, with every team player -- and his bodily parts -- remaining all intact and healthy for the next session.
I once would be all out of kilter but have risen to another plateau, where I can see and feel deep empathy...without letting the incident/accident
throw me into a wrestling match with anxious depression -- knowing there was nothing I could do to prevent the occurrence.
I will admit that from time to time I feel guilty about not being able to do more and then this week I decided that I would no longer be conjoined with a painful nexus of depression, worry, feeling I should be doing something! Now I am able to let it go and come to the present where the living are in attendance and ready for the fun, the tally of win or lose, nurtured by double dipped ice cream cones or Yogurt. LIFE is just so darn simple--- that, I think is how we miss it -- the opportunity to just BE; however, wherever, whenever to lock in spirit for all the teams, a game well played and the joy of the experience, watching the boys teasing one another -- Oh, brother! All these silent alarms on high, ready to be in a GO TO mode if needed. Such are the first rush of signals that Spring is taking place, winds are stirring everything, anything that some BODY might be allergic to. It's playing even though that ball just thrown hit the runner in the track, and stunned him back! OUCH! Boys, parents, grandparents, older boys who were in Umpire Training. I so love to watch the unfoldment of awareness/knowledge -- the excitement of knowing something you didn't know you knew or taking time and looking for more information. The whole learning process is just glorious!! My mind is older, been in some battles of my own, yet I just get enthused hearing about the Kentucky Derby (a race my youngset son and I are really big fans of -- and yesterday's Derby turned some folks just plain upside down. WOW!! The old Cinderealla story in the guise of Thoroughbred horses beginning the famous Triple Crown stakes, I watched a clip of it but didn't really know of it until I talked with my son and heard the story of the trainer hitching up his horse (bought for $9,500) and no one had any thoughts on it one way or another. The trainer I saw in his big black rimmed hat, looking every bit a man with that extra something special, as did his horse. I mean I've been kinda staying away from watching after some bad turns in the mix -- the horse last year (I believe it was last year) had to be euthanasiad on the track -------------
And, because I'm not a betting person, I don't have that kind of luck--though my son does seem to now and again. He gave me some of the highlights. Apparently if you put down a $2.00 bet on the first 4 horses just making it past the finish line, you could have walked away from there
a wealthy guy! But it's not soo much the money. It is the horses themselves. They will run their hearts out (and there are some sad stories to attest to this) and that is what they are here to do. Boy, do they ever do it WELL !!! Then at the last of the Triple Crown race (Belmont I think) they are put out to the beautiful blue grass of Kentucky to garner stud service fees. But, as I said, it is their Spirit. Nothing held back. Read about this in your paper or online. In these stories of roughages, such a story of a 50-l long shot has all the right to wear those beautiful red roses. Then, the Kentucky Derby is aflame with nostalgia and the fashion of the ladies' dresses and Hats are a big investment for the women also; and I like to see some of that and I've never had a Mint Julip.
Back to the homestead, even the dog, Bear, had some fun. crouching down and stirring up the dust. He saw something or smelled something underneath the outbuilding, or both. My grandson and I kept trying to see what Bear was all excited about. Didn't take long. The dirt started flying, Bear barking and my grandson and I peering down to see what could we see? Then in a split second, there dashed out this very young little squirrel -- talk about some excitement, the squirrel ran right between my grandson and I. A good story to tell his friends at school tomorrow. My first thought -- a skunk!
I hope your lovely Sunday was all it could be for you. That you found ambition in it or in some spell it cast, and you let yourself relax and remember that we are here on planet Earth for such a short time; and it is incumbent upon each of us to participate in whatever way that is, that creates within us, a person who is content with all the madness of the world shut off for a time, until we no longer even hear the nasty, noisy, ugly noises coming from those who are unwilling to focus his/her time and thought about what awaits there for us. Else we go on and on, doing the same things in the same way, yet expecting that our lives are going to be somehow magically enhanced with everything possible!! Now this is true. TRUE to the extent that we only allow good, uplifting, self-confident, nurturing to occupy our thoughts (for thoughts are things); and, take out the trash, take a shower, then fall into bed with the expectancy that we are in great health, high spirits and capable of embracing whatever comes our way. Haven't we already been through enough crucibles?
That's pretty simple and the younger you are when you begin to realize that what you do is done because you got into the HABIT of some mindless action or inaction. Somewhere along the way -- we are always creating habits, so we must become conscious to the Promises and Supreme Surprises that LIFE tosses to us in Boomerangs so that we'll be awake and alert, to see it go afar and are watchful of its return. Get to where it is we need to be, when on its return, what does it mean to bring?
~rumorsofme~
May 03
Where do you go and find a reprieve? You are always waiting there. Am I revisiting echos of another time, another place I don't remember in me.....anyhow, now? What is in me? Some days are a breathless rush of all things flowing...the paint, the words, the atmosphere and you can't seem to get there fast enough to catch what is even now fallen away. Then the paint won't flow, the words are like the weeds minted in a country garden, left to go. The flush of everything ripe and falling all about you, the catching wind twirling a cloud driven sky, fanciful shadows tracing lines as the deepened ridges obscure a higher nexus; and there is the excited anticipation that there is perhaps rain...thunder and lightening, hailing little balls of cosmic dew. Such experiences I do miss.
Then there is the wonder of why? Why can't everyday, every moment of everyday be so filled with an effusion of the self expressing self, calming and relaxing so you think it will always be thus; until you feel the passage of the exhilaration waning, and the world is dull again, too much of everything not wanted. Too many people, too much time, so little time and that is escaping like the steam from a bed of rice and vegetables from your own home garden. That bears the grace of hard work, diligence, creeping daily to see if anything has sprouted and you find that the pups (whose mother recently died of some strange unknown disease) have raped the corn, now about 3 feet high. Oh, you run them off, with verses of curses; then turn and see what is there -- and there is strawberries! Big and red and luscious and oh so sweet to the mouth as the red juice labels your shirt -- you would plant the shirt if you thought it would work! Days of living on the land, sweat rippling your skin, now tanned and warmed again. Yes, summer would soon be here again, marking each pace of the hardening leathered booted up lace. There were 2 new calves -- at last, doing very well with no complications. This is a place of gratitude and contemplation, a space in your day's humming race. It is also a place of high excitement, accidents that test the physical body and the mind's pressed upon unrest. But the sweat wet shirt, the sun burning hotter only brought you together somehow. We fell away from the land, the sight of what we had made with our hands. The planning of just about anything you want along with peach and pear and pecan trees -- certainly enough to keep your mind and body solidly together.
It's when (and why) we now fumble in urbanized craters. That century went by too fast. From the electric light to a lab in space where people worked for months on end; and perhaps it may bring, just in the nick of time, an opportunity for human kind to begin again. I tell my grandson stories of family he will never get to know, but they are a part of him as he is to me. I've watched him grow year by year and need to know how it all will go for him and knowing that I will not be here does cause tears to overfill my eyes even as I understand why. Because you understand something does not make the something any better. That is the big notion -- "if I could just understand, then maybe..." That tangling wish only creates more stuff you'll eventually dismiss. The sooner you let it go, give up the need to control and make things all right...why you will wonder what all the fuss was about. You are who you are and are only beginning to understand who that is and make peace with the ideas you drag around in your head and eventually let in. Yes, I live in my head. In a room that is at once too big and too small. Not enough room to create all you want; yet you find what you are truly willing to give up in order to have what is most important. Paint and canvas, brushes and cameras and a darkroom -- why this room alone could not handle all that. Yet my bed sits somewhere underneath colors and clay, oceans of blue wait for their cue, the computer table is blinking now and again, while therapy is granted a paper and pen. (I never knew there were so many kinds of paper.) If I keep all this clear in my mind, do you think that the next time I come round, I'll be able to just start right off and know who I am and what it takes for me to feel free, to be fully alive and not just marginally only off shy? Yes, there is no room for a dulcimer; though I have noticed in my uneven living that what we keep in our thoughts somehow lend room for the presence of the thing you keep in your treasure box.
Sometimes I think how will I ever last long enough to do and express all the stuff I am kneaded to. I know I am feeling something I've never felt before and that is a "nearer contentment." Now, if it is possible that there be a core to that, then I'm very keen on keeping on, keeping on. It has to fall. The pride that tells you that you can do it all, that you can make all things right and banish the night so that only green apples ripened in the sun catch your eye along with yellow bananas and rich sweet plums gathered just as evening was about to fall... making sense that no machine ever will. Gathering prominence in the scope of hope, that there are others who understand what has been done -- what we have done, how nothing has been won, unless you count the deliverance of the knowledge that you have been idle when working hands were needed, that the very breath you draw can be shut out and earth is breaking under the drum that beats more, more, more. What do we do with the time that we save? I'm afraid it will go as the way of the money tree has gone, simply GONE. And there's no where to run, no one button that will reset the ache of our emptiness. LOVE, I wouldn't touch. I don't know what it is, only that I've never experienced it and known it to be truly LOVE. Nor do I think anyone else has. The premise of all the heart fluctuations, the goose bumps and teary broken hearts are part of the Myth made up by the ancient young who felt so moved by the high of some potion coming along just as all our emotion is ramped up for an over rated spin of body and desire. This idea about LOVE is only a recent one so I will not speak of it now as such takes time to find its levels in you -- body, mind, spirit. You know, I think one day they'll have some new brain test that shows or registers the same feeling that we call "love" and all it is, is some commotion of neuro-transmitters drawing people together for reasons we know not, yet are ready to die for if we don't get what/who it is we want. A roaming disaster, rather like that new flu strain out there.
bedtime is still alone and the paint won't flow and the words have run out of places to go....certainly they have run out of me.
~rumorsofme~
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